Sunday, September 17, 2006

Hints for my husband

I love you, dear, I really do. You are wonderful in so many ways I can scarcely name them. But after 10 years together, you still appear congenitally incapable of distinguishing opportune moments to have a conversation with me from inopportune ones. So, I'm offering you some helpful hints. (You might want to print these out on a handy wallet-sized card and refer to them often.)

Scenario #1: We are in the midst of a six-hour-long road trip. I turn off the radio and ask, "Whatcha doin'?"
Analysis: This is an indication that I am bored out of my skull. This would be a great moment to talk to me about ANYTHING. What so-and-so said at work yesterday, things you read in the paper. ANYTHING.

Scenario #2: We are headed to work in the morning. I suddenly say, "Hi."
Analysis: My brain has finally engaged for the day. This is the very FIRST moment at which I am capable of comprehending thoughts deeper than "Hurry up!" This would be an ideal moment to talk to me about things you need me to REMEMBER. Tell me about your doctor's appointment tomorrow. Mention that you're going to need to spend a bunch of money on something. You have a blank slate here.

You may think from these examples that it's always a good time to talk to me whenever we're in the car together. This is not necessarily the case. Here's another example to illustrate this:

Scenario #3: We are driving. I reach over and turn the radio UP.
Analysis: Most people understand this as a subtle indication that I really like the song that is being played at that moment and want to listen to it. Since you weren't talking previously, DON'T START NOW.

Scenario #4: I am in the bathroom. You hear water running.
Analysis: Unless the thing you need to communicate to me is, "The house is on fire! Grab a towel and let's get out of here," the communication will be both unwelcome and most likely unheard. When you feel that burning need to tell me what you just saw on TV or read in the paper, write it down on a piece of scratch paper and save it until I exit the bathroom.

Thank you, sweetie. I love you.


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